marriage

Last week Paul and I were talking with a friend about parts of our story, in particular, some of the details of having a child with special needs. She asked a lot of questions and we told her much of the challenges, the medical emergencies and the crises. At the end I was in tears and we all sat quietly, absorbing it.

She looked at us, “That must have been hard.”

We both nodded.

“I would think on your marriage, especially.”

Again, we nodded.

For several moments no one said anything and then the conversation continued and we spoke of other things.

I was thinking about this tonight, how important it was to me, how meaningful, for her to acknowledge that. I am clear that having a child with special needs has been arduous for me and for Paul as individuals and obviously for us together, but to have someone say out loud that it was a hard hit on our marriage was profound.

In that moment and tonight, thinking about it again, I can see our marriage separate from us, as more than us. It is before me, an entity, composed of our love and commitment to each other, our years together, our hopes and dreams, of our losses and sorrows. I am looking at this thing, this creation, to borrow from Madeline L’Engle: this Two-Part Invention and it is so beautiful. It has weathered so much.

I want to celebrate it.

This is me lifting a glass to our union, to us.

The workshop is finished. It was great and I want to talk about some things about marriage in general. One of the guidelines the participants agree to is complete confidentiality: what comes up in the workshop stays in the workshop. I am sure you can appreciate that. In the past I have confused confidentiality and anonymity. Now I would rather error on the side of caution, which demands a certain amount of circumspection before saying anything at all.

One of the roles Paul and I filled was Prayer Captain. We shared the role, which gave us lots of opportunities to see where we struggle working together, where we don’t communicate, where we assume, where we don’t combine our strengths and divide the labor. This while we were already navigating some painful aspects of our marriage as well as feeling the heaviness of carrying others in prayer. And I think I mentioned that Eden had night terrors almost every night…

It was arduous.

Which is what marriage can be sometimes.

Way back in early December our little band of volunteers – the team – came up with a theme for this particular workshop “Receive it all/Give it all” based on part of Luke 12:48 “For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required.” One guy suggested the verse and I felt strongly about the theme. I was thinking of how, so often, we miss the gifts that our already ours: the fullness of our relationship with God, the love and grace he offers, the gifts of our families and other relationships, etc. For myself, I sometimes get a little stuck on what I think I’m not receiving or make up that “I’M GIVING SO MUCH ALREADY!”

Perhaps I’m the only one…

So there’s lots to tell, but I need to sleep.

I’ll try to write tomorrow.