As in Ned Flanders, when Homer realized he was Satan, I think that was what it was, anyhoo he said in his lovely nasally voice that Homer needed to be “re-Neducated”. That went right into the Paul/Alison vernacular and has been used since.
I am now officially a homeschooler.
Monday sitting on the couch upstairs, opening the Bible to start our day, The Bean wacking us all in the knees with the giant atlas she was using for a Bible, Birdie sighed, “I miss my friends.”
“I miss sending you away to school,” I wanted to say. I felt like crying and perceived an unfamiliar heaviness. My arm was already around her and C. Riley, so I just hugged them close and we prayed for our school and our day. Later we listened to a song and then I asked Birdie to pray for the Mayan people who we are studying. C. Riley said, “Oh wait I will get my drum to play while Lydia prays” I was about to say no then the an angel with a flaming sword or something stopped me and I realized this is why I am doing this; when my kids get a whacky scheme that helps them stay on task and experience something more fully I can say yes. So I did. He ran and got his bongo and quietly played while Birdie sweetly prayed.
Yesterday as I walked it out, the fear of failure, the heaviness of carrying my kids’ education, the prospect of not a lot of free time there was an underlying peace and I perceived in myself a new gentleness. I felt under grace. Under it, I was able to hear things I hadn’t before, see things I previously couldn’t. I am waiting in some mystery. I have some questions about the way I live, the way I frame the world. I think this is the blessing of obedience and trust – being pulled closer.
I am going to live out loud as I walk through this.
My brother is a photographer and he did two pieces each one has nine separate images on it. I think it’s 9. Would that be three triptychs? Anyway one is titled, “I’m scared” It is pictures of the moon taken in Death Valley. It is an ominous, dark piece. The other is called “I’m listening” and is a series of images of California – the sky, signs to Santa Barbara, very bright and sunny. I get energy looking at it. (Sadly, I don’t own it.)
I have been thinking about these a lot. I want my life to be listening, to be walking through the valley, leaving the desert and declaring the praises of Him who called me out of darkness into His marvelous light.
Please know I don’t equate homeschooling with light, but for me, today, homeschooling is calling out all my trust.
And fear is always the darkness.