Alison Hodgson

Expert on the etiquette of perilous times.

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Checking In

September 27, 2007 by Alison Hodgson 1 Comment

Paul is in Orlando today. He got up this morning at 4:30, flew out at 6:30 and will be back tonight after 10. I really admire how hard he works and without complaint. He just tries to keep all the balls in the air. I need to check in with him more about what is going on at work so that I can support him, if only with compassion and understanding. (Aside to Paul: Dude check in with me too. Help a girl help you.) Fortunately I was paying attention last night and realized that a lot of demands were being placed on him professionally and so I was for him rather than trying to load more things on his back.

It’s so easy to be myopic.

I had a good day writing, Tuesday, great really. I finished an essay that I am going to speak from next week. Later that night I began to panic because the talk I am giving for our writer’s conference on the 12th isn’t done yet. Spent yesterday worried but have since begun figuring out how to make the time between school, my mom’s birthday, tomorrow, Christopher’s friend party, Saturday and family party and actual birthday, Sunday.

I have felt agitated, tired and weepy all day and all day I’ve been telling myself I have no reason (not pre-menstrual, had a decent night’s sleep) to feel this way instead of being curious why I am.

Today would have been my dad’s 69th birthday. Although I am not consciously upset about it, some part of me is mourning.

I don’t have a snappy finish to this. The kids need to be fed and the barking dog reprimanded. Will feed the hungry and discipline the naughty, do some of my work and then welcome my husband home. when he arrives.

Filed Under: birthdays, Dad, marriage, traveling man, work

July 18, 2007 by Alison Hodgson 2 Comments

An envelope, stuffed full of papers, sailed through the air and hit me on the back of the head.

“Sorry, Pretty. Would you forgive me?” Paul asked.

“What?”

“I stretched and hit you. I’m very sorry, will you forgive me.”

I realized I had been sleeping. Well, his hand is the size of a business envelope. I forgave him, rolled over and tried to get back to sleep…to no avail.

“Well I’m awake.” I said after lying quietly for some time.

“I’m soooorywillyouPLEASEforgiveme!”

“Did you do it on purpose?” I asked, knowing he hadn’t.

“NO!”

“Sweetie, it was an accident. There’s nothing to forgive.”

“I guess I’m embarrassed I hit my wife.”

“Well, that’s understandable.”

He rolled over and I lay in the dark, thinking.

“Are you still awake?” I whispered.

“I was just drifting off.”

“Oh, I’ll tell you in the morning.”

There was silence, “What is it? You might as well tell me now.”

And so I told him about a young man I met yesterday and what he had said to me and how I responded which evolved into a conversation about insecurities and the rackets we run to hide them and dogma and missing people by disengaging and following Christ and being committed to each other and the powerful opportunities we have in casual encounters, which is really exciting if you think about it…

And then I noticed that our conversation had become a monologue.

“Are you falling asleep?”

“Yeah, I’m feeling narcoleptic and you’re killing me.”

“Sorry.”

“SSS…OK…”

I have a little herbal concoction I take if I wake up in the night and decided to go get it and then read myself back to sleep, but first I wanted to check my e-mail. When I flipped up my laptop I saw that it was 5:19 and groaned. It was too late to take a sleep aid, but much earlier than I wanted to be awake.

“What?” Paul asked.

I told him the time. He sighed appreciatively and then rolled over.

I went to check my friend, Sherry’s blog and soon Paul was reading over my shoulder.

“Are you up?” I asked.

“Yeah, my mind got going.”

I could certainly understand that.

“Move the screen over,” he commanded, “I can’t read our comment.”

“Our?”

“I think you ought to make a line that says, “we” for when we’re both commenting. Initially you might need to add in parentheses, “Paul and Alison” but eventually they would know who you meant.”

I looked at him, “I think you should go make some coffee,” and, God bless him, he did.

We sat in bed drinking it and talking.

“This is a GOOD cup of coffee,” he congratulated himself, “Supremoooo Colombooo, Big Daddy’s Supremo Colombo.”

Again, looking at a person is sometimes all you can do.

“You can put that on your blog.”

I thanked him and asked for another cup. He got us both one and then got back into bed. I had pulled up the shade and we watched the lightening landscape. A hummingbird flew to the Rose of Sharon tree right outside our window. If you sit on our bed long enough, once the tree has bloomed, you will see one. We watched it fly from flower to flower. At times all we could see were moving branches and then the hummingbird would come into view again, it’s wings rotating so fast they were almost invisible. It would pause for a moment before each flower, moving so quickly and seeming to stand still and then darting to the next blossom.

Growing up my mom always had a Fuchsia plant in a hanging basket in front of the kitchen window. The hummingbirds loved it. Since my mom was the one most often in the kitchen, she was our personal hummingbird spotter.

“There’s a hummingbird!” She would shout.

I would always come running but by the time I got there the bird had usually flown. To lie in bed as I take a little time to wake and to have a hummingbird fly into view is such a gift. They love this bush. Many times I have seen one buzz all around and then sit on a limb and rest quietly. They do rest. The first time I saw one sit quietly; it went so long I began to doubt that it was, in fact, a hummingbird. But after quite a while, it flew away and I saw that it was.

This morning, we sat together quietly and watched this bird execute the lovely dance of incredible movement and seeming stillness, punctuated with complete stillness and then returning to the flying dance again while sucking all the nectar it could find.

https://alisonhodgson.com/2007/07/682/

Filed Under: hummingbirds, living, marriage, Paul

Drum Major for Commitment

July 16, 2007 by Alison Hodgson 3 Comments

I remember the first fight Paul and I had after we were married. Before, when we would get to that point in an argument of profound frustration tinged with hopelessness, I did not consciously tell myself, “I can always get out. We could break up. I can walk.” But I did think it, I now know.

During that first argument just as I began to wonder, WHEN will he EVER understand ME! (understanding him hadn’t occurred to me yet) the happy possibility of abandonment flitted across my mind and then a giant steel door in my brain – shut! As the clang reverberated through my skull I remembered that I was married and therefore committed.

Committed in an eye scratching, straight jackety sort of way rather than the love and cherish til death does us part sort, mind you, but committed none the less and my mind/spirit weren’t sitting for any thinking to the contrary. That was a dark and perilous moment, a Houston, we have a really, really, big problem, kind of moment. But I knew it was true, a door had shut and there was no getting off the ship.

Now you might be reading this and thinking, “Crap! That’s a depressing picture of marriage.”

And you’re right, it certainly wasn’t the stuff of romantic legends…yet.

Filed Under: commitment, marriage, transformation

July 12, 2007 by Alison Hodgson 3 Comments

I wish you could keep people in a marriage by physically restraining them. Frankly, I’m disappointed that you can’t.

Why won’t people keep their vows?

Tonight I am angry, frustrated and sad because two marriages I’m acquainted with are dying, if not dead already.

I know that God is calling me to take a stand for marriage – whatever that means. Something he is making really clear is that I don’t have to have things all figured out – I never will – but the lie that I have to has kept me from doing so many things. I am learning that if I pray and listen and commit to obeying God, he will bring the opportunities to me.

I am sick of trying to do things perfectly, and lets face it, there is no perfect way of being with someone in a crisis, especially if it’s of her or his own doing. So I made a call and left an awkward message offering to be in it with this couple. And then I paced around and prayed and felt angry and prayed some more and then I checked my e-mail.

A friend had written about sowing and reaping in general life. He wondered about the life of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and quoted from his sermon, The Drum Major Instinct, a sermon preached 2 months prior to his assassination. Dr. King wrote:

If any of you are around when I have to meet my day, I don’t want a long funeral. And if you get somebody to deliver the eulogy, tell them not to talk too long. Every now and then I wonder what I want them say. Tell them not to mention that I have a Nobel Peace Prize, that isn’t important. Tell them not to mention that I have three or four hundred other awards, that is not important. Tell him not to mention where I went to school. I’d like somebody to mention that day, that Martin Luther King, Jr., tried to live his life serving others. I’d like for somebody to say that day, that Martin Luther King, Jr., tried to love somebody. I want you to be able to say that day, that I did try to feed the hungry. And I want you to say that day, that I did try, in my life, to clothe those who were naked. I want you to say, on that day, that I did try, in my life, to visit those who were in prison. I want you to say that I tried to love and serve humanity.

Yes, if you want to say that I was a drum major, say that I was a drum major for justice; say that I was a drum major for peace; I was a drum major for righteousness. And all of the other shallow things will not matter. I won’t have any money to leave behind. But I just want to leave a committed life behind.

Yes, Jesus, I want to be on your right side or your left side, not for any selfish reason. I want to be on your right or your best side, not in terms of some political kingdom or ambition, but I just want to be there in love and in justice and in truth and in commitment to others, so that we can make of this old world a new world.

I needed that.

I can’t force or cajole you to keep your commitments; I get to keep my own. I get to be on Jesus’ right side, his left side, his best side, not for any selfish reason, but in truth and in justice; I get to be a drum major for marriage, for love.

https://alisonhodgson.com/2007/07/691/

Filed Under: commitment, marriage, standing

May 21, 2007 by Alison Hodgson 1 Comment

Yesterday morning, sometime after one, I realized that being right isn’t that important to me anymore. This is breaking news as I have spent the last 30 odd years trying to do right, be right and, failing that, fight for the appearance/delusion of one or the other.

I am not always right. I make mistakes. I fail. I’m going to quit inventing a more palpable truth.

What I really want is to love and to be loved.

https://alisonhodgson.com/2007/05/720/

Filed Under: love, marriage, surrender

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