Alison Hodgson

Expert on the etiquette of perilous times.

A Brief Correspondence

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Yesterday Eden wrote this email to her dad in Toronto.  She had asked to use my computer and carefully typed this: 


Dear daddy, I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally miss you. did you get the fancy hotel soap?:) well ok please listen, did you love ninja? or did you just love us, and not want to hurt our feelings. I don”t want us to have a dog that you have no part of. that you do not like. daddy I wrote this my self. love Eden. bye-bye.


I love the whole thing.  It’s just a little email and so much more.  I love her concern about Paul, the wisdom in knowing that parents often go along with things for the pleasure it brings our children, for love.  


“…that you have no part of.  that you do not like.”  It’s so easy to just want something and not really care about another’s needs and wishes.


And then, “daddy I wrote this my self.”  This undoes me.


Paul’s reply:

Aw, thank you for your note Eden. I miss you a lot too. I’ve got some soap & its a little fancy – you can be the judge. I thought Ninja was adorable & I’m sure I would love him a lot too if he was ours. You’re so sweet to ask me. I love you. Bye bye angel.

Jet

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After a lengthy application process we went to visit this little guy Saturday. We had hoped to visit him a month ago, but Paul’s aunt died and the funeral was the same day.  The next opportunity was last Saturday.   Paul had a trip for business, but he changed his flight and we drove across the state to meet Jet.

Minutes before we arrived another couple came and said they would take him.  Because I wanted to meet Jet before committing to adopt, the rescue refused to give us any preference.

This, despite the fact that we had been trying to meet him since mid-October, that Paul had changed his flight and that we drove over two hours.

“First come.  First served.”  Is what the rescue…I don’t know his title…told us.  That’s their process for twelve years he also said and they’re sticking with it.  That’s great for hamburgers, or donuts, but we’re talking about a living creature,

 

as well as our children, who all fell in love with this funny little dog.

 

 

 

We’re all sad and disappointed.  Unfairness in the name of perfect fairness is such a drag.  We have cried and prayed and I have written several emails.  Last night, Eden said, “How about we be thankful for what we DO have:  Jackie Boy.”
We are learning to choose gratitude and hope, in the midst of loss.
This is our lament.

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Eden crawled into bed with me this morning around 3:30. The thunder had awakened her and she was scared. She cuddled next to me and I held her. We prayed together though I was so tired my head hurt. She offered her fear and worry to God and then opened her arms to receive his love. Something I have prayed for years for our family is that our hearts would be so full of the love of God that there would be no room for fear.
The older two have always been good sleepers, but Eden has been the one to come crawling into our bed in the wee hours. The morning of the fire she awoke a little before four. Because of this I was awake when the alarms sounded.
“I’m so worried.” Eden told me the other day.
“What about?” I asked.
“So many things,” she said, “that our house might burn down again! Tornadoes, hurricanes, floods, earthquakes!”
She is aware of all the natural disasters that have occurred lately. We have talked about them and prayed for the people who have lost their homes. She knows the pain of losing her possessions and her sense of safety.
I hate that my eight year old is beset by fear. All I can do is hold her close and walk with her and pray with her one day, one night, one early morning at a time.
Please pray for her, for us.

https://alisonhodgson.com/2011/05/201/

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This was Eden a year ago. The chair she’s sitting on is in the garage of our rental covered with smoke. I didn’t think to pull out the table which was still intact and in our front hall. It came from Paul’s grandmother and I always liked its silhouette.

We went back to the house twice the day of the fire. The first to meet with the fire investigator and the Sheriff and the second because my brother-in-law, David wanted to pull out any paintings that could be saved. Paul and I were both reluctant to return again. Both of just wanted to walk away. Christopher was upset about not being able to gather any of his belongings so the four of us drove over and walked through the wreckage. I gathered some of my antique bowls and looked for items that would be meaningful to the children, but it was hard to focus. There wasn’t anything I wanted. All of it was dead to me.
We would return several more times for various meetings and we would gather things. Each time we would reach a point where we had to go, when it became to painful to stay. It wasn’t always a conscious sorrow. Sometimes it was a heaviness, an overwhelming exhaustion.
It is a strange experience to lose so many of your belongings. Like any loss there are the stages of grief and the tricks your mind plays, the surprises that are, often, more confusing than painful.
In the early days, while still living at my sister-in-law’s I moaned, “And I just bought that cinnamon at Costco!” My brother-in-law, Thom, laughed because he had never heard me complain about losing any thing else. That is was a spice that I bemoaned amused him. But anyone who knows how big that container is, never mind that I had filled two separate shakers, one for my spice drawer and one that lived next to the cereals and I sprinkled on my morning oatmeal.
That’s the way it is. As we remember we mourn. I didn’t care to salvage that little pink table when I could have, but now I wish I had and regret that I didn’t.

https://alisonhodgson.com/2010/08/236/

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Yesterday in church, I found this note, recorded from last year, in my notebook:

“I like to sing. It’s fun” Eden said to Christopher.

“It would be better if there were disco balls.” He’s never one to keep a good thing from getting better.

“Oh yeah! If they were pink and purple!”

They would have had a great time at the first Pentecost.

https://alisonhodgson.com/2010/05/249/