Archives for October 2006

I have been married to Paul for 4,684 days and only God knows how much longer this marriage is going to last.

A couple of weeks ago we were driving around a mountain in Maine. The Fall color was at it’s peak and the sun was shining brightly. The grass was still green and the sky a deep and cloudless blue. At times a light wind would pick up and curtains of golden leaves would billow and roll, some across the road in front of us. It was an achingly beautiful day. Paul sighed into the silence and said, “I hope I get to live a long life with you.”

I don’t know if he will.

Please know that I committed to him and I am confident in his commitment to me, but how can anyone know how many days will be allotted him?

I was thinking about this the other night as we were coming to peace after three days of strain and discord. Three days of sorrow and unease – what a waste. In that moment I saw so clearly that the days of our marriage are limited and that one day one of us will be able to tally their number.

I truly believe only one of us will. The other will be dead and, again, only God knows exactly what he or she will be doing. The living will remain with the knowledge of the years we shared and the weight of the immediate future alone. And there will be regrets; there already are.

The other night, lying in the dark, my face wet with tears I told Paul I didn’t want to squander any more time. I hope, I pray, that we have years and years left together.

And I am going to live like we have only days.

https://alisonhodgson.com/2006/10/864/

The other day I noticed several crayon scribblings on the threshold of my new floor. The usual suspects, clad only in there underpants, were sitting at the island eating breakfast. I approached Beanie first with the assumption of guilt.

“When did you scribble on the floor?”

“I didn’t do it,” she said with such sincerity that I forgot for a moment that she has a long history of lying, “Ren did it.”

“Did you do it?” I asked Peanut.

“No, I didd’t. I addidentally peed on da bathroom flow-ar.”

File Case number 1 under “Unsolved Mysteries” and number 2 under “Case closed before it was opened”.

We – myself, my three children, my sister, my neice – are tired. We all need to freebase some Vitamin B.

Sometimes it is the relentlessness of motherhood that gets to me.

I don’t want to be a victim about it. I have chosen this path and frankly, I wouldn’t want to do anything else, I just long to do this better. I am still learning how to find space for myself when we are all tired and struggling, when we all need to punch out, except there is no time clock.

All told it wasn’t a terrible day, just difficult, arduous.

Tonight we will all go to bed early and pray for deep and peaceful, restorative sleep. The truth is that the day in, day out, cooking and cleaning and being together of life can be so draining, but I don’t want to settle for just the work when there is love and joy and peace, when there is excitement and delight.

Sometime in the middle of this time Paul was out of the country for a week, I remarked to my brother-in-law, “I really don’t want to be a single mom. If anything ever happens to Paul I’m going to be looking for dates at the funeral.”

David snorted his coffee. “Yeah, I’ll be all, ‘Can I help with any of the arrangements?’ and you’ll say, ‘Got any single friends?'”

Is true.

You know who you are.

Although you are not scheduled to call this evening(your time)/this morning (mine), should you choose to do so (even if only briefly) with expressions of love on your lips, I will listen.

Cordially,

Alison