As the family was eating dinner tonight music was playing in another room. I love it when a song pierces your heart and you are pulled through a series of thoughts and feelings so quickly to find yourself at the end weeping or laughing. This happened to me tonight. A song played, I thought of my brother then my other siblings and began to cry. Though I was silent, both my girls (7 and 2) noticed immediately. “What’s wrong Mama?” “Wus wong? You sad?” “You thinking about Grandpa?” (My father died two years ago.) Paul, well accustomed to this, said, “It’s OK, Mama is thinking of something that made her cry.”
I managed to say, “I was thinking about Uncle Nathan and Aunt Torey and Uncle Tanner and I missed them.”
“I miss um too.” My two year old replied.
Everyone went back to eating and I continued to think. I don’t know how to say this without being maudlin. Here it is – I was just grateful to have these tears, to be able to be touched by music. I knew it was the price I pay for being alive and having a heart filled with love.
Someone once told me she had always looked at my family when we were growing up and thought our life together was perfect. It wasn’t, of course, and in some ways it was very broken, but I did say this, “Anything you envied me of my brothers and sister was correct, that was real and wonderful and true.”
Now there too we have all thrown down in a variety of situations but without qualification I love these people so powerfully and am so grateful I get to be a voice in this four part harmony.
I have wanted to articulate that for some time but got stuck on the mechanics, “Do I write a letter to all of them? Should I type it and make copies? That doesn’t seem very personal and besides I don’t have a printer. I should probably hand write it…” and then another year passed.
I love you Tanner.
I love you Nathan.
I love you Torey.
Alison
P.S. NCW you had me with tears in my eyes twice today – once as indicated above and twice absolutely howling with laughter with Paul about G B. You dork. Keep writing.
Beautiful acclamation…
I read this post before I went to bed last night. Beautiful.
You appeared briefly in my dream last night. I heard your voice in a crowd before I saw your face. You didn’t recognize me at first, but then we hugged and talked briefly–I was on my way somewhere and couldn’t stay.
You were wearing a red turtleneck, and although it was appropriate for the alpine climate we met in, I remember that it surprised me, as I didn’t see you as a red turtleneck kind of a girl, whatever that means.
Have a good day.
If the turtleneck was a sweater one that fit nicely, that is, not nasty tight but not baggy either then yes, I am a red turtleneck girl.
Aren’t dreams cool. I need to write about a recurring one that was my earliest nightmare. I had it in various forms for about 30 years. Once I understood it it wasn’t a nightmare. Torey helped me see the meaning and then I had one last one as confirmation. It was amazing once I could see clearly.
I pay attention to dreams as I think it is one of the places God whispers to us.
You have a good day too.
No, it wasn’t a cute red turtleneck sweater. It was more the 1980’s L.L. Bean variety, and not even a very nice color of red, perhaps a little faded.
Yes, dreams rock. I love getting to see old or faraway friends, especially. Almost as satisfying as reality sometimes.
Hi Alison,
It’s been a very long time since any contact with you, but, wow…how much I’ve enjoyed all these blogger connections! I’ve read through yours (including comments) and some others connected through yours, and have just enjoyed this little party immensely! Welcome to the blog community!
Jeannie – Sherry’s mom
Mrs D.,
So good to hear from you. I have not seen you since Sherry’s wedding. Unbelievable.
Hope you are well.
Alison,
Hello! Welcome to the blog world! I love that songs evoke so much emotion for you. Me too. I didn’t know you have TWO GIRLS! What else has been going on with you? And we want some pictures! 🙂
Sheila,
We have 3 kids total. Can you believe it! We must be adults for sure.
Thanks for the welcome. Sorry to stalk you on your blog.
Your kids are such cuties. It is a good thing I live so far away as your little girl’s cheeks would be hard to resist.