We are wrapping up our second week of summer vacation. Last week was incredibly lazy. We stayed in our jammies until noon. Some days Beanie (2) never really got dressed. The kids watched movies, played on the computer, swam and played outside. I read, played on the computer (blogged), swam and putzed around the gardens. At moments e.g., when someone came over and none of us were dressed, I would feel like a slug.

Looking back I could see we were all just exhaling after one of the busiest and stressful years of our family life. It was mostly good things, so I wasn’t especially mindful of the burden. I just kept sprinting. I will leave it at that since I get really annoyed when people go on and on about “needing to unplug” or I hear others bragging about “letting go” for their whole week of vacation. Blah, blah, blah.

All this to say, I am alive. My kids are home from school. I am committed to giving them my time and attention. Will have to fit blogging around that.

Does anyone else get food amnesia? I have been feeding a family for almost 12 years and yet I always feel like I am starting from scratch. It is finally warming up here so now I am aflood, mentally with stews, casseroles, soups, all sorts of tasty wintery foods. I have no idea what we eat in the summer.

Help help! Three children and one very large man (6’6″, quite svelte) are looking to me and I’m plum out of ideas. I am at that state where I would prefer to drive by Meijer and just throw money into the parking lot. Was very brave tonight and shopped to get us through the middle of the week.

No dietary restrictions to consider as I have given up all food rules(more later).

Come on people, in the words of a prayer my son offers in desperation, “We nee sum help!”

My two girls are in the dining room having school. The 7 yo is assessing the 2 yo’s level of development. She must ascribe to some unconventional philosophies. I just heard,

“I am the teacher!” 7 yo.

“I am not the teacher!” 2yo

“First I will be the teacher and then you will,” sweet, conciliatory tone from the 7 yo.

“OK”

They are working on numbers.

Uh-oh “I am pooping myself!” The 2 yo announced. Her teacher is waiting with her as she sits on the potty.

My older daughter is a wonderful big sister. She prayed this baby into being. Paul and I had always thought we would have four children. Then we had one, years before we planned. We found out he was deaf within days of learning I was pregnant with our second. That kept us busy for several more years. We always thought we would have our kids all in a row. As time passed another seemed unlikely and yet I didn’t feel done.

Birdie started asking for a baby sister when she was about four, wondering when she would have one. “Only God knows,” I truthfully replied. I had started to tell her that babies were a lot of work, a big responsibility, but caught myself. That isn’t how I wanted her see babies. So I encouraged her to pray.

There were a couple of divine encounters. Two years before Beanie was born I wrote down all my fears of having another child. It was a laundry list of all the difficulties, the time and energy, the possibility of special needs, the toll of the pregnancy (my second had been very painful) but the last fear was, “missing someone.” The entry concludes with a prayer of surrender and a petition for strength.

About six months after that Birdie began to pray. A few months later I awoke suddenly. A thought was spreading from my head to my heart, invading my spirit. It was this: “Whatever God wants to give is a gift. You want it. Regardless.” Yes. I mutely nodded, peering over my shoulder at Paul who was sleeping.

This was in January of 2002. I didn’t write down the day. Four months later I was pregnant and due in February. This was a ridiculous time to have another child. Birdie was going to school the next Fall, Paul had quit his job and was selling real estate on full commission. Our insurance was uncertain because of our son’s surgery and Paul’s history of cancer. I was planning to get a job when Birdie went to school…but we were happy. It was so fun to tell friends and family who had written us off long ago. There was no fear (with the exception of one prayer meeting I called to order at 4 a.m.) only joy.

The little Bean was born 3 weeks early on the day I had set aside to “get everything together for the baby.” We had a boy and a girl name picked out. I had a clear picture of who each one was. As the due date approached I realized I had no preference and thought I might miss whoever wasn’t. Both babies seemed so real, Eden and James.

After my first delivery I was so wounded and disillusioned that I was still in pain. Our boy was handed to me and my first maternal thought was, “He’s so heavy.” That was a metaphor I couldn’t yet see.

With Beanie, Paul said, “It’s a girl.”

A girl. When she was handed to me I began to sob. It felt so good to cry and to hold this beautiful gift. Eden. How could I even think I wanted a boy. I don’t know the day I said yes to God in January of 2002 but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the 25th, Eden’ s birthday.

In the following months when my dad lay dying and our family spent days, weeks, months at the hospital, Eden was passed amongst us to hug and love. “What would we do without Eden?” was a constant refrain.

I am so grateful I don’t know.

“If you cannot express yourself on any subject, struggle until you can. If you do not, someone will be the poorer all the days of his life. Struggle to reexpress some truth of God to yourself, and God will use that expression to someone else. Go through the winepress of God where the grapes are crushed. You must struggle to get expression experimentally, then there will come a time when that expression will become the very wine of strengthening to someone else; but if you say lazily – ‘I am not going to struggle to express this thing for myself, I will borrow what I say,’ the expression will not only be of no use to you, but of no use to anyone. Try to state to yourself what you feel implicitly to be God’s truth and you give God a chance to pass it on to someone else through you.

Always make a practice of provoking your own mind to think out what it accepts easily. Our position is not ours until we make it ours by suffering. The author who benefits you most is not the one who tells you something you did not know before, but the one who gives expression to the truth that has been dumbly struggling in you for utterance.”

Oswald Chambers
My Utmost For His Highest
December 15

Now I see the irony in posting a quote about fighting to express things for yourself…

I love that last sentence. It is God’s call on one part of my life. Blogging is helping me get in the habit of daily writing.

Thanks to all who read and comment.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I would like to direct your attention to the right side of my blog, under links (note to self – learn HTML). If you are looking for good books to read or a movie to rent please check out lastgentleman.com.

My friend, Mark, is valiantly working through his blog commitment issues and doing a public service in the process. He is compiling a list of recommended books and movies. How many of you have stood in front of a video display, a big bowl of mush where your brain once resided. Drool dribbles out the corner of your open mouth as you vainly try to recall that movie your friend gushed about. Think think, to no avail. Well those days are over, my friends. Just stroll on over to lastgentlemen.com before you head out the door and your days of milling around video stores are over.

If you are an absolute movie junkie you might not be satisfied as the movie list is slowly being compiled. For the book whores in the crowd he already has 50 Books 2004 and is half way through 50 books 2005.

Enjoy.