This is the view from the garden bed that ran along the western side of my house. You’re looking into the storage area that was under the stairs and opened into my garage, which was where the fire was set.
“Was set” denotes purpose. Most home fires are accidental, but ours was caused by arson. Someone randomly (he was a stranger and had no personal animus towards us) set our house on fire.
When something goes drastically awry in another person’s life, we feel for them. How horrible, we think. And we wonder: what happened? This is natural curiosity as well as the subtle desire to pull back from the possibility that this could happen to us. We look for the cause, in order to assure ourselves we are safe.
My rule of thumb for conversation with anyone who has experienced a trauma is to ask myself, “Would I say this to someone who has been repeatedly thwacked in the head with a shovel?” I find, more often than not, the answer is no.
- “Did they ever find out what caused it?” This is the natural question after a fire. Don’t ask it, especially if children, who ran from the burning home, are present. This seems obvious but you would be surprised.
- “You weren’t home.” This assumption was a favorite of strangers and quickly followed by:
- “But everyone’s OK, right?” I’m going to need you to define “OK”?
- “It’s just stuff.” Absolutely, and no actually, it’s a whole lot more.
- “At least you get a brand new house!”
After certain occurrences in my life I’ve heard two phrases that come off as dismissive and judgmental.
“God is in control”.
“God will never give you anything you can’t handle”.
Okay, okay. I understand the sentiment. But, in the midst of suffering, these don’t necessarily work for me.
I didn’t even get into the God talk and it’s ALWAYS from strangers. Excellent additions Susie! One friend said, “I truly believe you will look back and be thankful for the fire.” I was soooooooooo at the someone’s been thwacking me in the head with a shovel for far too long stage of the fire, but it gave me hope, because this was our dear friend who has walked through severe trials of his own and been with us every step of the way through the fire.
Alison, THANK YOU for this powerful, helpful post.
I’ve not experienced a house fire, but I do remember after experiencing the loss of my fiance, the “less than helpful” comments that were shared. Well meaning comments, for sure, but words that could drive me crazy. I found it helpful to have an imaginary “book of not helpful comments” and when someone would say something like, “Oh Cindy, you are so young, you will find someone else” – I would just say to myself, “another one for the book”. Somehow that helped me to not carry the comment, but file it away and move on…
Thanks for reminding us that sometimes when wanting to help, we need to watch ourselves. I love your shovel visual – one that I will not soon forget!
Cindy 🙂
I can NOT believe someone told you that. Unbelievable. Like come on, Cindy! Just replace the love of your life!
I call these folks: Stupid People With Good Intentions. They came out in droves when my son—who is deaf—was being diagnosed. When my father was dying I actually prayed “God spare me the SPWGI” because I didn’t want to punch anyone in the face at my father’s funeral. : )
After the fire we got a lot of mordant curiosity. I’ll be writing about that later. I’m trying to balance the crazy stories with helpful information.
Thanks for reading, Cindy.
so I understand the not wanting to define “OK,” but would you say there *is* an appropriate way to make sure that everyone is “safe?” Alive and not burned anyway?
Sara, it was the assumption that always bugged me because I know of fires two fires at least, where lives were lost. If it was an actual question I would have heard it as genuine concern, but everyone in our family made it out unharmed…or I should say unburned. I don’t know if it would feel painful or prying if I had lost someone.
This is why, when you are a merely acquaintances or strangers, I recommend sticking with “I’m so sorry.” It feels so paltry, but it’s genuine and it doesn’t require anything of the person other than thanks.
The morning of our fire when my husband and I returned to talk to investigators neighbors stopped by. One lady ran up and yelled, “Is everyone safe?” I said “Yes, we’re all safe!” And, sobbing we fell into each other’s arms. I had no idea who she was. 🙂 After she left—she stayed for all of a minute—I recognized she was a distant neighbor my son and I had met walking the dog. I know she was worrying about my children and our big Black Lab. Later she stopped by and handed me a very, generous check, and was there about five seconds.
It’s been almost two years and I’m crying just thinking about her concern and generosity.
Thanks for reading and asking.