Captain’s Blog

This day has been challenging. It is a cloudy, cloudy day.

Christopher has been picking at his sisters.

Lydia has been resorting to physical and mean words.

Eden is whiney uncombed and undressed. (I guess I would be whining too.)

Fortunately I am now a scientist. Rather than slip into a depression and question my profession I am charting the behaviors of my colleagues, the environment, the weather and my hormonal cycle. The last TERRIBLE day we had was February 9. Paul had been gone for five days, I was completely hormonal and we hadn’t seen the sun for weeks. I seriously began to contemplate how I could quit mothering Christopher without it being abandonment. Couldn’t come up with anything and then had the brilliant idea to note the day and the outside factors to try and get some clarity, maybe see a pattern.

In the past I got into a lot of trouble comparing myself to other mothers. I never seemed to measure up. Looking back I can see the warped way I measured: I didn’t count anything I did do for my kids but only what I didn’t and what other moms did.

I think it is important to check in with the way I mother, to listen and watch and be willing to shift and change, but I think that is different than measuring, especially when I don’t weigh everything. So much of what I do do I have shrugged off with, “Of course I do that!” and then been knocked down trying to lift all I don’t do onto the scale.

These are the things I do for my kids:

I get up every day
I feed them
I teach them
I love them
I pray for them
I stay with them
I fight for them
I listen to them
I talk with them
I hug them
I kiss them
I help them
I love their father
I am faithful to him

I am going to go dress my toddler, hug my daughter and then my son and start this day again.