Archives for October 2005

“Mom, my processor fell in the toilet.”

That would be the $6,ooo one, the same one that enables him to hear, the very one that doesn’t have a warranty, yeah, that one.

I threw back my head and did my best impression of “The Scream” then hustled around to get his little briefcase of stuff that goes with it and did the things I knew to do. We are waiting for it to dry. He has fallen into a pool before and it survived. Another child fell in a lake and his made it.

I am going to pray. I already apologized for freaking everyone out.

Once years ago, I was on the phone with my brother in California. He heard ice clinking in my glass and asked what I was drinking, “By the grace of God, it’s water.”

“I am so big and beautiful and fantastic!”

That’s right, fantastic. “Fantasgic” had only a two week window of opportunity. Aren’t we glad we got in on it.

I love the collection of adjectives.

Last night I had one of those moments where I was so aware that her littleness is fleeting, soon she will be slimming down and stretching up, losing her babyish pronunciations and maybe even walking without bouncing. I grabbed her and squeezed her to me, trying to sniff and cuddle and kiss her all I could.

Little One,

I wonder what you are doing right now in your hotel room so many states away. You are probably sleeping, but maybe you are awake and your mother or father is holding you and looking into your deep dark eyes. Your third day is almost over. What a momentous day it has been.

Your mother called us hours after you were born. She and your father and your little big brother were driving into the night to meet you the next day.

“How does it feel?” I asked her.

I can’t remember if she said it was amazing or surreal or strange or all those things. She started to refer to you by the name that is now yours, but corrected herself and called you, “The Baby.”

She needed to go. I asked her to call or e-mail when she was able and told her we loved them and, of course, would be praying for everyone.

And that ended your first day, the day of your birth.

The second day was equally important. Your father and mother and little big brother met you and your birth mother and father. That is a part of your story that will be told to you and will be your choice to tell. That night your parents returned to their hotel not knowing if you were their baby or “The Baby” still. They talked and prayed and probably cried and then kept doing it until they both had peace that it would be OK if you were theirs and if you were not.

And that ended the second day, the day you met your parents and they labored for you.

Today they saw you again and talked to your birth parents. Your father led. He was considerate and gentle. He offered you up and laid you down. He and your mother stood in the uncertainty with peace and trust. They were unafraid. They didn’t skulk or pander or coerce. They were compassionate and kind, beautiful and true.

………………………………

I missed your mother’s call but this message awaited me, “I’m sitting in the car with a teeny tiny Baby E——- and who else? What’s your name?”

“I wanna hode it!” There was the sound of loud shrieking then your mother in the background, “OK, say hi to Alison”

“Hi Asson”

“It’s a message, you want to tell her anything?”

“I ga a baby sisstah…”

“I love her,” your mother prompted.

“I love her.”

“She’s cute.”

“She cute.”

“I won’t eat her.” (You will soon know there really isn’t anything little about your little big brother and this was the joking concern while we waited for you.)

“I want Asson.”

There was the sound of another scuffle then your mom told me I could call her on the cell phone, which I did immediately. By then you all were back at the hotel. I was told all about the last two days and that you are beautiful and peaceful, so contented. You were sleeping. “I can’t wait to show her to you,” your mother said.

And this is the end of your third day. I find myself thinking of another three days that bridged a death and the beginning of eternal life instead of a birth and the beginning of a new life. Without those three days I don’t think your three days would be, or certainly not the way they are, for so many reasons.

I hope you know from the very beginning that your parents didn’t want “a baby”; they wanted you. God put the desire for you in your mother’s heart years ago, but your dad wasn’t so sure. It was a little crazy, there already being your big sister, your big brother and your little big brother who kept them pretty busy. She decided to leave him alone and pray. Every month she would check in with him and see where he was. This went on for some time. And then one month she asked almost casually and he told her that God was showing him that life wasn’t just about what he wanted and that God must have put this desire in her for a reason and then he said, “So what do we need to do to get our daughter?” You weren’t yet conceived, but in the eyes of God and your parents you already were.

Your name means “Sent”. I pray that you will know The Sender who gave you to your father and mother. And I pray you will know that they waited for you sometimes in fear, but mostly in peace, surrender and trust and that they received you with open arms in love, gratitude and joy.

1. When my son started his fourth year of school (he had just turned five) his teacher assigned each of the children a color on their job chart. (There were only 7 students as it was special ed.) At the orientation I saw that C. Riley had been assigned green and was a little resentful. He so wasn’t a green boy. Couldn’t his teacher see that he was clearly blue or red, in a pinch? Those colors had been given to others boys. Soon green was C. Riley’s favorite color and it bugged me. I know it was ridiculous, but it was just one more area where his needing to go to school so young interrupted our life and defined who he was. I got over it and for years, if there was a choice of color in anything, I bought green. About a year ago he decided blue was his favorite color and I kind of missed the green.

2. Every time I considered going back to school to finish my degree I got pregnant – all three times. With C. I had taken one class and was looking at programs. With L. I was working the logistics and with Beansie I just considered it.

3. For the government class I took before I got pregnant with C. Riley I wrote two papers covering decisions made by the Supreme Court. That was when I really “got” that the Law is interpretations of the Constitution. I realized it was language. It had always seemed so dry and boring and suddenly I understood it was navigating writing. At the same time a friend was fighting her wealthy in-laws for custody of her daughter. Her husband had cheated on her while she was pregnant and she discovered it when her daughter was a newborn. After the divorce she had a break down and the in-laws immediately swooped in and tried for custody. Friends helped her pay for an attorney, who wasn’t terribly good. For a while I wanted to go to law school with the idea of having a mainly pro bono business to represent women like our friend. But I was soon sidetracked by beginning to become the mother of C. Riley H.

I was talking to my sister about some real estate. On the web page I was able to access I had an aerial shot of the property. She couldn’t get one, “I’ll look on Google Earth.”

????

Are Paul and I the last people in the world to discover this? I went to GoogleEarth.com and found out you can enter an address, just about anywhere in the world and get a fairly close satellite photo of it. Smashing. Ever wanted to pretend to be a spy or hacker? Baby, this is it. Of course, I get dazzled by clean garages, so I’m pretty easy.

Paul and I flew around the globe several times, giggling in excitement. It is cool and disturbing at the same time. If my dad was alive he would be in the back yard digging a bunker. God bless him.

He’s above all that now.